DARK MOODS

 

THE GREEN GRIM FACE

 

Sometimes I return home after an event, sick and tired.

I feel on the verge of vomiting. Something is hard to digest.

Something? I attended an art auction organized by an organization in order to collect money for a special good cause. I had donated a drawing on paper.

It was a very disheartening show: no proper exhibition. No realistic fair value attributed to the artworks.  Not many buyers. No human - human exchange. The sun did not want to shine either.

 

I listen in, deeply, for many hours. Deconstructing the discomfort.

Breathing in compassion, comforting myself. Releasing the impressions and imprints. I start writing. That is my way of finding words for the unspoken, the hidden dark emotions. This helps me in getting clear, finding my way in through the garbage, digging underneath. Garbage?

 

Tearing out the garbage in my heart.  I feel so sad. Is this self-pity?  Yes and No, letting that too go.  It is a loneliness of experiencing a soulless world. Where the light of love is hidden. My reflex is: hiding too.

 

"Seeing green and yellow" was the saying at home for misery, deep distress and fear of dying. I guess it had to do with my father being a medical doctor. Seeing a green and yellow human face, means trouble: liver and gall disorders. Bile. Black bile? Yellow bile? Melancholic? Depressed? Anxious? Angry?

 

I do feel sad, in pain and "heavy hearted". Lost in an outer world I do not want to be in, cannot be myself in. I want to shine and be seen!

I know this feeling of " not being seen", not being treated with respect and care. I know this feeling of shock, seeing how people mistreat beauty and soulfull expressions. A deadening. Making everybody, everything worthless. I know I used to accommodate and behave as if it did not matter. Even mirroring this non-feeling, only rationalizing and following ideas and ideals. But inside, I am dying.  I feel treated as garbage.

 

And I remember a face I had painted a while ago: a very bitter blind and wounded green face. Aggrieved.

 

Treated unjustly. Wronged. Offended.

 

This is so deep. It may be a very deep inherited family state of feeling: aggrieved and anguished. I see the face of my brother, my sister, and my mother. I feel the affronts and afflictions.

 

I search for that face in my archive.  Take it out. Photograph it. And I decide: "to do something with it". Showing it. Daring to show it. The Green face is dark, grim and ghastly. Wrinkled.

Oh, I see!

 

The face shows a camouflaging into death! That ‘s it: it looks like a skull, a death-face, as if alive, green and juicy. But life is drained out.

 

I know now how painful this disconnection feels, this leaving out of "the feminine principle", this total lack of a loving embrace, this lack of inviting to participate, include, recognize and nurture one another. What is happening is a show ruled by the dominance of an idea, of managers and organizers. Disregarding human beings.

And aren't we, human beings, in spirit, all equally, part of a sacred royal family? Aren't we called to treat one another as kings and queens, no matter what? Loving one another into Life? Beautifying life!

 

Instead I experience an uglifying of life, a destructing of Eros. And my old self-denigration and shaming got triggered.

 

I pray: "Nachamu, nachamu ami" Comfort, comfort, my people.

 

The injustices, either small, seemingly insignificant, or devastating fierce and wide spread, are very painful. Instead of disgracing, I want to grace people, art and life. Listening to the needs of my soul, everybody's soul.  Being true to a Soul full living.

Engage in (self) forgiving.

 

I commit myself to let this grim green face turn into pure manure.

Enough. Calling in the feminine principle, the indwelling Presence, to nourish me and create through me.

 

My dark mood lifted. My indignation and sadness melted in a green ocean of comfort.

 

I write a clear letter to the organizers of the event, inviting them to become creative and appreciate art and healing more. I am at peace. I could release this old aggrieved face, and in consolation, invite the real greening to revivify and regenerate.

 

May watching and listening to Rabbi Shefa Gold's voice and the video-show inspire you to offer your bitter grim grievances too. Up and out. Laying the hurts and injustices down. May they fertilize body, heart and soul. Opening yourself to be comforted.

 

May we love and enrich one another, a little bit more.